Pizza and Passwords

This is the kind of experience I mean when I say that I’m getting better at surfing the chaos.  Life gets chaotic and you have to cope and still make good decisions under duress.  My balance was better this time, I stood up on the board, I still wiped out, but somehow, when it was all done, I ended up standing on the beach in dry clothes.  

We tried to go to the Autism Family Pizza Night, but apparently, I forgot to note that all future meetings will be on the first Monday, not Wednesday.  Thank you, Darling man-o-mine for adding, “Oh yeah, I remember that.” AS we were at the restaurant where the support group obviously was not.  Oooh I wanted to bite him.  Grrrr.

I was able to laugh about it, and the evening wasn’t a complete bust.  We did promise the kids pizza, so we went to CiCi’s Pizza, as it’s about $30 cheaper than Beau Jo’s.  And I’ve finally discovered my favorite pizza there:  The Garlic Italiano Pizza on thin crust. Image

I was starving when we got there and ate too much of this pizza.  OMG all the edges were thin and crispy and everything tasted great.  No dessert, a plate of salad, and more of that pizza!  The kids had a good time, and they managed to chivvy a dollar each out of us for the dopey toys they have there.  By the time we left (on a school night) I was exhausted, and worked really hard to keep from slipping into a food coma in order to drive us home safely, while he snored softly next to me.  Grrrr. 

Told the kids to get ready for bed, and I ran up to the bathroom when we got home and was having a quiet moment, when I hear my Darling yell in a panic, “I lost it!  OMG I lost it.”  His flash drive wasn’t in his pocket anymore.  The flash drive with ALL of the passwords, security questions, account numbers, the whole shebang.  Red Alert!  Security Breach!!

What followed was a justifiable freak-out on his part, because that is a massive fuck up.  Accidental, but whoosh, he’s normally so calm and all together.  He called CiCi’s and asked them to look for it.  No luck.  He was convinced it had fallen out of his pocket when he took out that dollar, and he remembered that there was a big gap between the booth and wall where it could’ve fallen.

I ended up driving back down to CiCi’s while he sat and stewed at home with the kids.  I tore the place up and found no flash drive.  Nearly an hour later, I came back home and pulled up my copy of the important file in question and we both started canceling things and changing passwords.  I was NOT a happy camper.  Tired as I was, I was cranky and he was freaked out. 

Thank goodness for technology.  Even though technology created this problem, at least the technology of my laptop and cordless phone allowed me to work in a room away from him.  We tried sitting in the kitchen together on two computers, but he stressed me out and I was barely holding it together myself.  I made myself coffee, and went up to the office.  I’d change one and call him, discuss which one I was going to do next, then repeat. 

I finally got fed up about 1 am, and nearly had to forcibly drag him from his computer.  But we did get to bed.  Unfortunately, there was some electronic device that was obviously losing it’s charge in our bedroom.  I didn’t recognize the noise, I couldn’t find the thing, it kind of sounded like a phone, but who knows.  We were definitely too tired to find it and it softly beeped all night long every 7 minutes or so.  (I still haven’t figured out what this was.) 

He took time off the next morning so he could go to the bank with me, which I appreciated.  I got the kids ready for school, I got his lunch ready, then past the time we would normally leave to take him to work, I announced that I was going to make myself a bagel.  Made my Darling sigh.  TS I said.  I’m planning on being gone all day and I need some breakfast, too.  grrrr.  The irritation was still strong. 

We got to the bank, just before 8, to discover that the lobby didn’t open til 9, which is when he had to be at work.  The drive-thru can’t handle debit card replacement.  Grrrrr….that made me cry a bit.  He said, just drive!  Let’s see if there’s another branch open earlier. 

And I then pointed out that my brand-new-super-special iPhone doesn’t seem to be finding cellular data.  Which means I can’t search my map for other branches.  While he argues with me that I must just have something set wrong, I drive over to Starbucks to mooch some of their wi-fi.  (Can’t go in, as I have no debit card, no credit card, and very limited cash.) 

As I sat there, munching my bagel, I realized, “This is silly, while he talks to the bank on the phone I can come up with a new plan.  Go back to the bank, write a check for cash.  Take him to work early.  Get gas and move on with my day.”  I dug through my purse for my rarely used checkbook and discover that I have ONE check left.  “Hooray!  As long as I can fill out a check correctly, the plan should work!” 

I drove back to the bank, same parking lot, thankfully.  I went back to the drive up window, easily got some cash, I go to take the cash and my ID, and the wind caught my driver’s license and I drop it outside the car.  Grrrrrrr.   

I open my door, but it’s locked.  I have moderately old-school door locks on this car, you have to push the button to lock or unlock them, they don’t just open automatically.  So I unlock it, and the button doesn’t go up, the door remains locked.  I locked and unlocked them again.  Still stuck.  Thankfully, this wasn’t the first time it happened.  I had to turn off the car, take my keys out of the ignition, use the key fob to unlock, and the door magically opened.  Had to get completely out of the car to reach my ID, and I found like 4 pens that people had dropped.   

After experiencing this many irritations, in the past, I would’ve lost it at this point.  I quite possibly would have been stuck at the bank, crying at the drive up window, locked in my car, with a line behind me.  Obviously, I’ve evolved a bit.  I smiled and laughed, squeezed into that tight space, put the pens on the ledge at the window, started my car and drove away.  Granted, I didn’t get my money or ID put away right then, but I just wanted to get the heck outta there. 

He dealt with changing our tellerphone ID while talking to the bank and I drove him to work.  And he said, please come in and check around my cube to see if possibly I lost it at work.  (For those of you who don’t know, my Darling is legally blind, and I’m often his seeing-eye dog.)  I walked up to his cubicle looked around, checked his computer and said, “This one?”   

The flash drive had been left in his computer all night.  It had never been in his pocket, it never even went to CiCi’s.  Holy batshit. 

OK, relief.  Now I’m not worried that I have to stop using variations of my favorite password.  Now he doesn’t have to recreate hours of work he’s done on various spreadsheets.  Crap! that was dumb not to go to work first.  I could’a thought’a that! 

I had already forgiven him for his mistake the night before.  In that moment, I forgave him for putting me through all that annoyance.  I forgave myself for following him while in the throes of a freak-out.  (Note to self:  One of us has to remain level headed and it doesn’t always have to be him.) 

I hugged him and told him I loved him and I was calm.  While I waited for the bank to open, I went and got gas with my cash.  When the bank opened, they were wonderful.  They simply printed me a new debit card and activated it.  Very simple process, and I got to keep my old PIN that I finally memorized. 

I felt stunned as I walked out of the bank, shiny new debit card, flash drive in his pocket at work where it belonged.  It was like I’d been hit by a giant wave of water, knocked around, turned upside down, swallowed a bunch of it, nearly drowned me, and then it gently set me down, in the sunshine, dry, but with completely different clothes on.  (What??  Tsunami!!!??  What tsunami?  Everything is completely fine.)  Traumatic experience with no aftereffects, nothing left to clean up. 

Life has a sense of humor.

 I’m not sure why this “accident” happened.  I know there’s no accidents, though.  Maybe this was a wake-up call for my husband to be more careful with important files.  Maybe this was a test.  Maybe there is going to be a security breach in the near future, and I’ll be really happy that we changed all of our passwords.  Maybe I shifted universes and created that flash drive in a safe place.  Maybe it was my angels reminding me that security is an illusion, or maybe it’s that adversity is an illusion.

With as much growling as I did, I’m pretty sure that I’m still working some things out in 3-D, not quite ready for ascension yet…but I’m getting closer. 

 

 

Applied Mindfulness, Meteors, and Pie!

This morning I was reading a post titled “Part 134, Relationship Rules in the True Way, and a Starship Rescue Planned,” by Dr. Kathryn E. May.  Go read it, it’s worthwhile.  I would post parts, but she prefers that the post remain in it’s entirety, and this is a long response.

Maintaining a loving attitude toward everyone around me, all day long, is not a simple exercise.  Yes, this is applied mindfulness.

Sometimes I have to mindfully remove myself, either physically or just from the conversation, before I start strangling the ones I love.  I think my problem lies in that I was partially raised by Homer Simpson.  Luckily I was Lisa, not Bart.  Image But we parent how we were parented, and I am ashamed to say that I’ve heard my father’s words slip from my tongue in moments of stress.  DOH!

Practicing forgiveness is powerful and it starts with forgiving myself.  I believe that when my children or my husband annoy me, it’s because they’re reflecting my creation back at me.  The things about my son that bug me the most, are the things he does that are just like me.  And it’s painful to look in that mirror sometimes.

Then I remember that it’s just a fun house mirror, and I’m looking at a terrible distortion of something that really isn’t that bad.

Same is true for public encounters.  When I’m upset, angry, worried, rushed, or generally snarky, the people around me are too.  Rather than get angrier, I’m learning to step away and get myself right again and the angry people seem to disappear from my universe.  They can’t stand to be around me apparently.  Yay!

It’s a whole lot easier to love everyone I come into contact with when they’re lovable, so first I have to love myself and be lovable.

In Dr. May’s post, I love the suggestion to get into connection with everyone you meet BEFORE you speak a word.  Make eye contact and feel empathy for the person.

Making eye contact one is interesting in my household, with my partially-sighted husband, who does make eye contact, but when he looks at me is usually focused lower than that, and my autistic son, who doesn’t consistently make eye contact.  (When I do, it seems to make him a little uncomfortable…interesting.)

I’ve been making eye contact and smiling at people in public, a lot for months now.  As I walk through stores, sometimes even as I drive, I’ve connected with people.  I’ve learned to savor the looks I get, some people quite obviously think I’m crazy or on drugs.  Some don’t seem to see me at all.  Some smile back.  Some people actually talk to me!  (Oh, and the babies just stare at me and I smile and stare right back.)

As I’ve done this, it has cemented the idea that we are all one.  I have come across a few that are not of me, or like to think that they’re not.  I have come across a few that my intuition said RUN! and I have, no time for questions right then.

I went to Dr. May’s post because of the word of a meteorite speeding toward Earth on a direct trajectory that is supposed to hit tonight.  Of course, it’s not on the news at all.  I am thankful to read Dr. May’s words that we are protected and it will be exploded before impact.  I do so deeply hope that this event could finally provide an opportunity for Disclosure.

I appreciate the news, and I’ll fishing in the mainstream for corroboration, but there’s no point in my worrying too much about death raining down from “above.”  We’re tiny little specks on a tiny little planet, a direct impact could wipe us out and there’s not a thing I can do about it but die with grace with love on my lips and in my heart.  (And trust that I truly don’t die, that this is all really an illusion with really great special effects.)

Live each day as if it could be your last.  Maybe it’s just my last day of living the status quo. (oooh, there’s a delicious thought!)

Even Grateful for the Zit on My Nose

Any problems that I have in my life are miniscule.  A teeny tiny annoyance.

And, yes, that even includes the zit on the end of my nose.  It feels big and throbbing, but really, it’s really tiny.  I’m blessed that being broken out, which I haven’t been for a while now, is the biggest of my problems.  It’s all a matter of perspective, right?

I am blessed with a husband who loves me AND both tells me and shows me, even when I haven’t done the dishes.  I am blessed with wonderful kids who are polite and can behave in public.  So much so, that I had at least six strangers tell me how polite both my children were.

I am blessed that we got to splurge today and buy a bunch of things we needed and some that we simply wanted.  Is it really a splurge if you spend it on practical things and necessities? I suppose it depends on your definition of necessity.  We bought some sensible things that will be quite helpful in our lives, but it was more than we would normally spend and it felt like a splurge.

We went from the south side of town, to the west side of town, then back to center.  There were frustrating moments and lots of traffic.  There were nearly some tantrums and a bit of whining, there were moments of hearing “I’m bored!,” and a LOT of navigating through parking lots and crowded places.

That doesn’t sound too bad to most people, I know.  But guiding my blind husband through a crowded computer store with two children who don’t want to be there is stressful.

Do you know what most sighted people do when they see someone with a white cane?  They get quiet and press themselves against the wall.  Faugh!  It’s irritating.  If you see someone with a white cane, SAY SOMETHING so they know you’re there.  They’re not deaf and it’s not contagious.  If you’re quiet, you’re likely to get whacked.  By the way, my hubby cracks up over it.  His cane gives him the right to whack people and it’s their fault!

I’m blessed that he can so readily laugh at other people’s ignorance about his life.

Shift Happens

This morning was amazing!  My children got up, got ready, ate breakfast, PICKED UP THEIR DISHES!, and they were ready to go on time.  My youngest was ready 20 minutes early, so he sang songs and played a drum for me.  lol

Conversations that would normally lead to anger were diffused, nobody whined, there was no name calling, and no one got punched, kicked, or yelled at.  (A rare thing in a houseful of boys.)

I had a brief moment where I stopped and thought, “Are these my children??  Should I check for strange lumps on them, make sure they have their thumbs?”  It made me laugh, yet as quickly as I could, I quit wondering if they were my kids and said “YES!  I choose THESE children!  I LIKE these children!”

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It was like I was flying!  Suddenly, I had these ideal children.  The most important part, if you find yourself flying is not to question why, but to enjoy the sensation and allow it to happen.  So I quit questioning and focused on how good it felt and said things like, “No, we can’t turn on the TV, but you could sing for me.”  Thank you Douglas Adams for teaching me this lesson.

From the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy:  “This is a moment for superb and delicate concentration. Bob and float, float and bob. Ignore all consideration of your own weight simply let yourself waft higher. Do not listen to what anybody says to you at this point because they are unlikely to say anything helpful. They are most likely to say something along the lines of “Good God, you can’t possibly be flying!” It is vitally important not to believe them or they will suddenly be right.”

 I have been asking for peaceful, easy mornings.  Apparently, I am getting better at aligning with it and, of course, it affects everyone with whom I interact.
Over the last three months, I’ve been really busy and I’m feeling lots of energy moving.  Juggling lots of paperwork, making lots of doctor’s appointments, submitting receipts to the healthcare reimbursement form, improvements for my son, new adaptive equipment for my husband, LOTS of networking and support groups, meetings at school.  Making travel plans, getting plates & emissions for the car, learning the iPads and researching new apps.
There was a point in my life, where trash day was the busiest day of my week.  (Oooh, an appointment.)  Now, I’m spending entire days out going places.
Mostly, I’m feeling good and surfing the chaos.  Occasionally I wipeout and it hurts, yet it doesn’t feel as hopeless as it did.  I’m seeing major shifting in my personal energy.  I do feel down sometimes, but I’m finding that when I do, it’s a sign to take care of myself, usually sleep or food will fix my whole attitude.
It’s a learning experience, though, to get the really good times and simply cherish them and anticipate it being like this more often.  Allowing it instead of questioning the miracle and causing a massive, painful crash.

Gratitude and Letting Go of Needing The Answers

So whatever I did, apparently worked.  Maybe?  Maybe he heard me?  Maybe he just decided that he was going to have a good day.

After my tantrum, where I felt insane, I sent my son to school.  I spent some time getting rid of my upset.  I breathed, I tapped, I did a bit of yoga, I imagined the best possible outcome.

He took his TCAP, and when I picked him up from school, he said he’d had the best day ever.

He proudly told me that he was one of the first ones to get his test done.  Which almost made me gasp, “Um, hon, did you try your best, or did you just guess?”  He told me that he did his best.  I hugged him and told him that’s all I ask!  I asked him how his breathing was, and he said that he coughed a little bit, but it was no big deal.  No bullying, only playing with friends.  It was a sparkly, wonderful day!

Just the day before EVERYTHING was a big deal, which was why I kept him home.  He was wheezing and he slept for about four hours on Monday.  Maybe it was just daylight savings and he needed more sleep, maybe it was seasonal allergies, maybe it was the test.

I’m not sure how he did it, but he turned it all around.  He seemed happy and confident and all was well.

I’ll take it and I don’t need all the answers.

Time to Recharge

I’m feeling a bit exhausted and emotionally drained.

Now that I’m home, I’ve got to get back to work.  Tomorrow is a day where everybody goes back to school and work.  Not me, of course, Sunday is my busy day.

But right now, I might have a tantrum.  Don’t push me….I bite.

I’m closing the door.  I drinking this pretty good limeade.  Ooh, take off the things that are squeezing me.

Unwind.  Breathe.  Roll my shoulders.  Ahhhh….a little bit better.

Bend over and stretch my back a little and let it morph into rag doll.  Sit back down and stretch up with my arms.  Ahhh….a little easier to breathe.

Break over.  Here comes the next one.

Better or not!  Here they come!